This is something I don’t like to talk about and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to bring it up here. But I have made a promise to myself to keep this blog honest and real, so here it is…
I haven’t seen my father for over 10 years. It’s not because we aren’t speaking or had a huge fight. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just…well I guess put simply it’s life’s circumstances. Unfair as it may seem, certain uncontrollable factors have created this distance that keeps us apart.
my dad as a young boy
My father has never met my husband nor my Sofia and Emma. He wasn’t there for my high school or university graduation, he didn’t walk me down the aisle, he didn’t help us move into our new home, and he has never held his grandchildren.
For many years I was quietly seething that my dad was not around. I didn’t care if he had good reason. I didn’t care that he wanted to be here but it wasn’t possible. I didn’t care that he missed me, wrote me, called me weekly and made sure to be involved in any way possible. I hated him. He has always felt this closeness to me as though he knows everything about me. I can never do wrong in my father’s eyes and he truly is my biggest fan. I found his love and affection suffocating at times. I remember thinking, “How could he love me when he doesn’t even know me.”
The day after I had Emma and Sofia I cried fiercely. It wasn’t because I was in pain or even because I was elated. I was weeping for my father. You see, it finally hit me, I understood now. The love of a father. The love of a parent. The bitter pain he has felt for the past ten years shot through my veins. My heart ached for him and for the choices he had to make. The idea of having to ever leave my girls so that they can live a ‘better’ life is unfathomable. It’s a choice no parent should ever have to face. Holding my girls and looking deep into their eyes, I wondered what it was like for my father when he experienced the exact same moment with me when I was born.
my dad and sister
My father and I are closer now. He still calls me every week. He is a strong, optimistic and kind man. He is a good father and I forgive him because I finally understand.
Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dad’s in this world who want nothing but the best for the children even if it means scarficing their heart.
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How wonderful of you to share such a personal thing. I too have not seen my father in many years. He hasn’t seen 3 out of 4 of my children. I honestly don’t know if he even knows I have more than one. I still have many issues to work through- but I do know that he loved me, and that I loved him. I don’t know why he disappeared. Someday I hope to find out.
Thank you for sharing this story Elle, its incredibly moving..
Its takes such a strong character & sense of self (in addition to patience & understanding) to get to where you are now with him. I’m so happy for you that you can have some form of relationship with your dad now. xo
wow. this gave me chills. what a wonderfully written post about your father and you new-found perspective now that you are a parent yourself. thank you for sharing this.
it is hard for me to relate, as i don’t have children and long to have them, and as my father is no longer with us. but i can relate on the level that i had a father and it is one of the biggest reasons i want children—because of my relationship with him.
i have not stopped by your blog in a while. i’m glad i did today. i hope you are well.
Elle,
Your writing and honesty are absolutely wonderful. Thank you for being so open. It has helped me in thinking about my own father, who died six years ago. I know I’m fortunate to have enjoyed a fairly close relationship with him but I miss him terribly and sometimes imagine how it would be for him to know my husband and kids. I know he would be so happy to know that I finally found what he wanted for me for so long. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for you all these years and then to put it in writing. Beautiful post.
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