Lately, I find myself searching for balance. But balance is starting to feel like perfection – and perfect I’m not. Instead I’m feeling overwhelmed, scattered and unmotivated.
Sofia and Emma have changed drastically in the past week. They crawl (no longer using military tactics), pull themselves up to standing position, climb straight walls, and are extremely vocal (in a loud monotone kind of way). I’m constantly on the move and requiring my body to work overtime. Truthfully, this generally non-athletic body is struggling. My lower back aches, my arms are sore and my abs are not what they used to be.
After reading, Watch out for These Health Busters, I realized one reason for this slump is I have been neglecting a healthy diet. In fact, I haven’t eaten so poorly since I was in university. I crave burgers, hot dogs, chips, coke, ice cream and I will hesitantly admit being addicted to peanut M&M’s. The interesting thing is that I love healthy foods. I mean, I would choose brown rice, whole wheat pasta and spelt bread over the white variety any day but a couple days of bad eating and I’m done. It’s similar to not exercising for months and then trying to start from scratch. 
I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was really small until I hit puberty at eleven. Most of my high school years were spent denying myself foods I loved. I put on weight easily and so I spent lunch hours chatting instead of eating. I remember always being on a diet. When it comes to matters of weight I have a very critical family. I remember worrying when we were at family functions and it was time to eat dinner. I felt like everyone was watching my every move. Some would even remark, “Is that your second plate? Be sure to leave enough for others.” These comments have shaped my relationship with food. Although I consider myself a foodie today, I continue to have a lot of negative feelings towards food.
I love long hikes and being in the woods. Once I get out and soak in the sun it’s clear what my body has been lacking. Eventually, the long hikes and activity lead to better eating and more energy. Now if I could only get my ass off the couch and away from the internet I could start getting back to a healthier state of being.
::I apologize for the somewhat scatteredness (is that even a word?) of this post…but to be fair I did warn you about my state of mind in the very first paragraph.::
**Peanut M&M image by Kell Bailey
***Grocery store image by Vachon, John,, 1914-1975,, photographer.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Elle, It’s so awful that most of us women have this relationship with food, much of it indoctrinated by society and the people around us. I always marvel at old paintings of women and how it was considered beautiful to be bigger back then. Of course, now we know it’s healthier to be a little leaner but our attitudes toward food are not always so healthy. Just know that your battle is not a lonely battle. Many of us struggle with this issue as well. Also, it’s tough raising two little ones, especially when they are just beginning to crawl and teethe, no less!
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Thanks for your honesty Minnie. It’s nice to have support when things aren’t as you would like them to be.
It’s really hard to keep eating healthy with a little one. I struggle too and I am a nutritionist! You get so focussed on getting the babies fed, clothed, diapers changed, chasing them down from things, and then it starts all over again. It’s hard to find time to eat between that … no wonder mothers are starving & just grab whatever they can! Try and keep a container of cooked grains in the firdge (brown rice, quinoa, etc). You can always grab it, throw in some veggies, a bit of salad dressing & nuts and you have a healthy lunch. And don’t feel bad if you grab something less than desired. There’s always tomorrow (or maybe next month?!). Stay positive… Good intentions are half the battle!
Great suggestions Laurie. I’m always making veggies for the girls and I can always make a little more for myself then add it to already prepared quinoa or brown rice when I am in a hurry. It just takes a little more planning to eat well.
Oh my GOODNESS! How could you NOT be scattered? I wanted to wrap Jake in bubble wrap with a helmet when he started walking around…danger everywhere! But, I have to say you’ll probably be exercising quite a bit now that they’re standing and moving around. I thought I was going to have permanent back problems, but as Jake got steadier…it did get easier. Diet later, and go easy on yourself…you’re doing great!
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Elle, I think I went through this crazy feeling a few months ago (which makes sense since Levi is a few months older than your girls)–and I can’t imagine having the double trouble (in a good way). When the kids make big changes, whether that is their eating or their physical maneuvering, it can throw you for a loop. Sounds like you got some great ideas about healthy eating from other posters. Hang in there!
I can’t imagine how hard (and wonderful
it is for you sometimes, all of these changes ALL the time, everything is a ‘first’. That is hard!! You’re learning, they’re learning…be kind to yourself and give it time, you’re doing an amazing job 
Re: women & food..its sooo tough. The other posters are definitely helpful with their suggestions! If I’m craving something I usually try to go for almonds..or a peanut butter smoothie does the trick to ease the sweet tooth.
This brings to mind something my friend told me a few months ago:
I was feeling particularly bad about myself that day, I moodily started talking about how ugly I felt, how fat I felt etc etc… My friend stopped, looked at me and said:
‘Everytime you say something bad about yourself, imagine every tiny cell in your body screaming “i’m ugly, i’m fat”. Then think about all of that negative energy you’re sending yourself & the harm its doing your body. You need to start with loving yourself & the rest will follow.’
She made me think with that comment. Simple as it is, I usually catch myself when I’m directing negative energy inwardly (or outwardly for that matter!). I don’t know how helpful that story is, however it did seem to help me out a little…so I thought I’d share
You are a wonderful, strong, beautiful mom Elle!
Poor you…I think you have every right to be scattered. It’s hard to take care of you when you take such good care of others. I’ve been in the same boat, definitely, and I’m sure most of us have. Vent all you need to…it’s what’s other Mom’s are here for…
I hope the week gets better….
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