Before I even knew I was pregnant I knew that more than anything when I had babies I wanted to breastfeed. Most moms I spoke to said it was hard at first but ultimately it was the best thing they ever did and well worth the pain and discomfort. My prenatal classes all discussed the benefits of breastfeeding and, to summarize, you’re basically a bad mother if you decide not to breastfeed. I was told statistically that only 2% of women cannot breastfeed and that is due to breast implants and other breast augmentations. I was convinced that in order to have healthy and happy babies I had to breastfeed. However, very soon after the birth of my girls I realized that not much of this was true.

On my 2nd day at the hospital when I had no colostrum to speak of I started to panic and wonder what I was doing wrong. We met with the lactation consultant and with a worried tone she suggested I use a nipple shield to help Emma and Sofia latch on. That unfortunately was not where it ended. We had to start supplementing with formula using a tube and a syringe as a dispenser. The whole idea was not to give the babies a bottle and to ensure that they had to work at the nipple to get the formula supplement as well as my own milk. Sean and I were very dedicated and when we got home we stuck with the plan and spent most of the day trying to feed the girls. They had to eat ever two hours but feeding both of them was taking up to an 1 and a half hours and they seemed to always be hungry. After 7 days of being home, Emma still had not had a poo and we started to get concerned. A nurse came to the house for a visit and said, “she has not pooed because she isn’t getting enough food.” After that visit, I was devastated. It was like a slap in the face. Here I was sitting on a bloody chair with my top off all day long trying my breast to feed my girls but apparently it still was not enough. Nevertheless we continued and I started to pump after each feeding in hopes of increasing my milk supply. It took two hours to pump 2 ounces of milk. So I would carefully split the milk in half and give each one an ounce of my own milk as often as I could. 10 days came around and Emma still had not pooed. We went to a walk in clinic and the pediatrician said the same thing as the nurse: Your baby needs more food and to make matters worse she had lots so much weight that she now weighed less than when she was born. I had noticed she was sleeping far more and was very lethargic and all I felt was guilt.

I came home from the doctors and I think I cried for the next few days. I felt like a failure, worst of all it was like my body was failing my girls. I kept thinking how could the universe give me such beautiful girls but has not given me the ability to feed them? What was wrong with me? Why could all my friends breastfeed? Here I was with two babies and no milk. I spoke to my grandmother that night who also had twin identical girls 43 years ago. She told me that she had so much milk that once she fed my aunts she would pump and send milk to a neighbours house who also had trouble feeding her newborn. Then she would have to continue pumping and would throw away the rest of her milk to ensure her breasts did not get engorged. All I could think was why does one women have so much milk and then another has almost none. I felt so angry. It just was not fair. My breast never hurt and never felt full. I felt nothing. I soon began talking about it to friends and family and when the truth was told several aunts and other family members had the same problem. They simply did not have enough milk. I started to realise that it wasn’t just me and I am not a terrible mother; it’s just the way it was and it was something I would have to learn to live with and make the best of it.

Eventually, after 3 weeks once my nipples were bleeding and peeling from all the pumping and when I could no longer hold Emma and Sofia close I started giving them formula with a bottle and to my delight they started to gain weight and really began to thrive.

After two months it still hurts me to write about the decision we were forced to make. I feel robbed of the experience to bond with my babies as so many of my friends do while they breastfeed. I also resent some comments that have been made to suggest that some part of me deep down inside did not want to breastfeed and that is why I had no milk. More than anything I want my girls to be healthy and happy and when I saw that formula was helping them grow and be more alert each day I decided I needed to let go of what I wanted and to make the best decision for them which for us was to give them formula.

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