Lately, I find myself searching for balance. But balance is starting to feel like perfection – and perfect I’m not. Instead I’m feeling overwhelmed, scattered and unmotivated.

Sofia and Emma have changed drastically in the past week. They crawl (no longer using military tactics), pull themselves up to standing position, climb straight walls, and are extremely vocal (in a loud monotone kind of way). I’m constantly on the move and requiring my body to work overtime. Truthfully, this generally non-athletic body is struggling. My lower back aches, my arms are sore and my abs are not what they used to be.

After reading, Watch out for These Health Busters, I realized one reason for this slump is I have been neglecting a healthy diet. In fact, I haven’t eaten so poorly since I was in university. I crave burgers, hot dogs, chips, coke, ice cream and I will hesitantly admit being addicted to peanut M&M’s. The interesting thing is that I love healthy foods. I mean, I would choose brown rice,  whole wheat pasta and spelt bread over the white variety any day but a couple days of bad eating and I’m done. It’s similar to not exercising for months and then trying to start from scratch.

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was really small until I hit puberty at eleven.  Most of my high school years were spent denying myself foods I loved. I put on weight easily and so I spent lunch hours chatting instead of eating. I remember always being on a diet. When it comes to matters of weight I have a very critical family. I remember worrying when we were at family functions and it was time to eat dinner. I felt like everyone was watching my every move. Some would even remark, “Is that your second plate? Be sure to leave enough for others.” These comments have shaped my relationship with food. Although I consider myself a foodie today, I continue to have a lot of negative feelings towards food.

I love long hikes and being in the woods. Once I get out and soak in the sun it’s clear what my body has been lacking. Eventually, the long hikes and activity lead to better eating and more energy. Now if I could only get my ass off the couch and away from the internet I could start getting back to a healthier state of being.

::I apologize for the somewhat scatteredness (is that even a word?) of this post…but to be fair I did warn you about my state of mind in the very first paragraph.::

**Peanut M&M image by Kell Bailey

***Grocery store image by Vachon, John,, 1914-1975,, photographer.

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I just finished reading The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett and on page 968 one of the main characters is reminiscing about his wives breasts and it reads…” He remembered when they had stuck out from her chest as if they were weightless, the nipples pointing out. Then, when she was pregnant, they had become bigger, and the nipples had grown larger. Now they were lower and softer, and they swung delightfully from side to side when she walked. He had loved them through all their changes.  He wondered what they would be like when she was old. Would they become shriveled and wrinkled? I’ll probably love them even then, he thought.” This stuck with me as I kept reading because this is how my oh so lovely husband feels about my breasts. He has always loved them and has told me so. Even when I can hardly stand to look at them myself in the mirror, he manages to remind me that living a full and happy life has made them this way. Becoming a mommy has changed them forever . But becoming a mommy has made me a better person and soft and sagging boobs are a reasonable price to pay.  Somtimes, I catch him sneeking a loving peek at them and  I think hey maybe there not so bad after all. Thank you Sean for loving me so fully and competely and reminding me that regradless of my shape, size or age I am still beautiful.

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