This past Sunday we celebrated Sofia and Emma’s first birthday. It was a lovely day spent with friends and family. Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate as we had hoped. It was cloudy, windy and cold, but we managed to spend 80% of the time in our backyard.

yummy homemade snacks

I made homemade diamond cheese crackers as a substitute to Gold Fish Crackers. I prefer them not double baked.

fruit salad

smarties

The Zucchini Bread featured behind the smarties turned out to be moist and uber delicious. You should try it (note: I omitted the nuts)

ZUCCHINI BREAD    350F

Combine
3 eggs
2 1/2cups sugar
3 tsp vanilla
1 cup oil

Sift together
3 cups flour
1/4tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
3 tsp cinnamon
1/2tsp nutmeg

Add dry ingredients to the wet ones.
Add    1/2cup chopped walnuts
2 cups grated zucchini
Pour into 2 greased loaf pans
Cook 1 hour.
Freezes well.

It was no surprise that Emma and Sofia loved their sugary treat. They wanted to eat the carrot cake by the fist full.

I had hoped to have better pictures of the two of them but these are all I managed to take. Enjoy.

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my Sofia and Emma

fresh bbq corn

open fires

“Miracle Fortress”

shooting stars

my sister

the cottage with friends

My lovely sister managed to snap these two beautiful shots of the girls while we were in Florida. In the past ten years my sister and I, who are 9 years apart, have become increasingly closer.  She is my best friend, and my biggest supporter. I will share more  about her in a later post. I promise.

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This is something I don’t like to talk about and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to bring it up here. But I have made a promise to myself to keep this blog honest and real, so here it is…

I haven’t seen my father for over 10 years. It’s not because we aren’t speaking or had a huge fight. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just…well I guess put simply it’s life’s circumstances. Unfair as it may seem, certain uncontrollable factors have created this distance that keeps us apart.

my dad as a young boy

My father has never met my husband nor my Sofia and Emma. He wasn’t there for my high school or university graduation, he didn’t walk me down the aisle, he didn’t help us move into our new home, and he has never held his grandchildren.

For many years I was quietly seething that my dad was not around. I didn’t care if he had good reason. I didn’t care that he wanted to be here but it wasn’t possible. I didn’t care that he missed me, wrote me, called me weekly and made sure to be involved in any way possible. I hated him. He has always felt this closeness to me as though he knows everything about me. I can never do wrong in my father’s eyes and he truly is my biggest fan. I found his love and affection suffocating at times. I remember thinking, “How could he love me when he doesn’t even know me.”

The day after I had Emma and Sofia I cried fiercely. It wasn’t because I was in pain or even because I was elated. I was weeping for my father. You see, it finally hit me, I understood now. The love of a father. The love of a parent. The bitter pain he has felt for the past ten years shot through my veins. My heart ached for him and for the choices he had to make. The idea of having to ever leave my girls so that they can live a ‘better’ life is unfathomable. It’s a choice no parent should ever have to face. Holding my girls and looking deep into their eyes, I wondered what it was like for my father when he experienced the exact same moment with me when I was born.

my dad and sister

My father and I are closer now. He still calls me every week. He is a strong, optimistic and kind man. He is a good father and I forgive him because I finally understand.

Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dad’s in this world who want nothing but the best for the children even if it means scarficing their heart.

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::We got to spend some time outside today -Sofia in her summer dress::

::Here is Emma-smiling::

::Emma enjoying some Breakfast O’s::

::Sofia::

::Check out the mouth full of teeth::

::Sofia and her daddy watching a dog::

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Oh my goodness you’re already 9 months old. Happy birthday lovie loos. It’s hard to think back to two years ago when I desperately wanted a baby. It was all consuming and my lovely and supportive mom kept saying, “Don’t think about it. You’ll get pregnant when you least expect it.” How could I not think about it? It was impossible. I ached for you everyday. Although I’m a very open person, I didn’t share this deep desire with many. This was so personal and private and I didn’t want people to ask every time they saw me or to feel sorry for me because it was taking so long. We had to wait 11 long months before it was confirmed that I was pregnant with you. We were so proud when we found out we were going to have two baby girls. So many expected us to be scared or overwhelmed but we were exactly the opposite. We couldn’t wait to meet you and here you are all grown-up.

Emma-

My lovely, brilliant, athletic girl. You just learned to say ‘up.’ You approach us and want ‘up.’ Sometimes you even look up at me and say ‘up’ and giggle when a pick you up. You’re eager to stand on your already very sturdy legs. You can crawl and sit from a crawl position and love to climb Sofia. You love to clap and smile. You are not particularly attached to any one toy and you love it when mama reads Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Sofia-

My lovely, brilliant, sociable girl. You just learned to say ‘mama.’ You say it when you are feeling particularly needy of attention and want to cuddle with me. You’re ability and determination to get to where you want is amazing. You smile at strangers and trust everyone. You’re very attached to mama’s small Clinique make-up bag. You grab on to it from the minute you get up and take it with you everywhere. I have offered you more cuddly options but you’re simply not interested. You love rolling around on the carpet and you also love it when mama reads Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?.

We have just started finger foods. It’s fascinating watching you figure out how to use your hands and to feed yourselves. You make a great big mess but I’m proud that you work so hard to gain independence. Although, I miss holding you and feeding you I’m delighted you hold your bottles on your own and drink your formula side-by-side without assistance. I’m so grateful you have each other. There are few things in life better than a sister. My hope is you’ll be close and support each other when you need it most.

mamaloves you so much.

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Everywhere we go people oooh and awww at Sofia and Emma. The double stroller and their cute little faces demand so much attention. We generally hear the same comments, “Double the trouble.” “I bet your not getting any sleep. Mwua ha ha ha.” “You must have your hands full.” And on several occasions we have even gotten “Oh too bad you got two girls. It would be better if you got a girl and a boy instead.”  I know, what a shame, jerk.  A word to the wise: if you’re parents to twins you have heard these comments a thousand times. It’s not cute, or funny and it’s definitely not original. I do however, enjoy seeing the true joy Sofia and Emma bring to so many strangers. People genuinely get excited and smile from ear to ear when they see them.

Yesterday, on our daily afternoon walk a lovely women looked at Sean and I and said, “You’re so lucky, you got two.” Then today, this woman stopped her car in the middle of the street and just stared at us with a big smile waving. We waved back and Sean asked if I knew her. I had no idea who she was but I could see the girls brought her joy even if it was only for a brief moment.

The most amazing thing is when little boys around 6 or 7 years of age stop to look at the girls. They eagerly approach us and are always so playful and kind. Emma and Sofia smile. If they get this same attention in about 10-15 years I’m in serious trouble.

Does this change as they get older? Perhaps with the recent boom in twin pregnancy this fascination will decrease. What has your experience been?

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I’m so grateful for my life, for Sofia and Emma. They’re healthy and happy babies. I look at them everyday and feel fortunate to have been chosen to care for these beautiful little creatures. However, the days when things are tough I’m so envious of mamas with just one baby. I envy the ability to hang-out, explore, cuddle and carry your baby all day. It’s not fair, that some get to hold their baby and not feel guilty that another is watching -- willing you to play with her. It sucks to then cave in and start playing with the other baby and somehow feel that when you did this the first time it was more fun. This baby is simply getting the “leftovers.”  You’re left feeling disheartened with an inability to fulfill either child’s needs completely.  I was one of those woman that wanted to always wear her baby.  With twins that are a healthy 20+ pounds each, this is practically impossible. Secretly, I get really excited when one of my girls gets up from a nap before the other. Relishing the time I have with just the one. Today, Sofia was up first:

After sneaking Sofia out of the room we had 20 delightful minutes together. She snuggled against me in the sling as we walked around the house investigating each nook n’ cranny.

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No one told me the impact a twin pregnancy would have on my body. It was hard and I can’t even remember most of last year because I spent most of my days asleep. However, when Sofia and Emma were about 4 months old, and we’d had plenty of time to bond, I thought to myself, if I only knew that they were in my belly I would have enjoyed the pregnancy so much more. I wouldn’t have minded as much…

-Throwing up 6-8 times daily for 4 months and 10 days straight

-Daily 20 minute nose bleeds consisting of massive blood clots

-Not being able to work and having to take a major pay cut at 8 weeks

-Gaining 65 pounds

-Getting horrible wide red stretch marks all over my belly regardless of slathering my body with extremely expensive preventative creams (FYI-they don’t work-it’s all genetic)

-Having trouble breathing and moving starting at around 24 weeks

-Getting terrible swelling in my feet and hands

-Being in labor for 24 hours and having to have an episiotomy

If I had only known that it was Emma and Sofia in there, not just ‘being pregnant’ I could have embraced being pregnant.

**photograph by Bard Azima at Livingface

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Emma and Sofia gave me the most thoughtful Mother’s Day card:

It reads;

Mom,

Happy Mother’s Day! Last night in our cribs we worked on a list of all the things we want to thank you for but it was much too long. We had to cut it down to just the most important ones so here they are,

1. Thank you for putting on our clothes and wiping our faces (even though we complain, we do appreciate it)

2. Thank you for being silly and teaching us how to make noises with our mouths

3. Thank you for mashing up food for us and letting us hold the spoons

4. Thank you for making up songs to fit every activity

5. Thank you for always smiling at us (your smile makes us smile)

6. Thank you for teaching us two languages

7. Thank you for showing us places on the map

8. Thank you for keeping dad around-he is awesome!

9. Thank you for always encouraging us when we try something new

10. Thank you for letting us explore

11. Thank you for always finding new ways to make us giggle

12. Thank you for keeping us clean, warm and happy

We love you Mommy!!

Love Emma and Sofia

P.S. Please let us eat wires.

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