mamaloves » twins

a father’s love

elle — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 12:00:06 +0000

This is something I don’t like to talk about and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to bring it up here. But I have made a promise to myself to keep this blog honest and real, so here it is…

I haven’t seen my father for over 10 years. It’s not because we aren’t speaking or had a huge fight. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just…well I guess put simply it’s life’s circumstances. Unfair as it may seem, certain uncontrollable factors have created this distance that keeps us apart.

my dad as a young boy

My father has never met my husband nor my Sofia and Emma. He wasn’t there for my high school or university graduation, he didn’t walk me down the aisle, he didn’t help us move into our new home, and he has never held his grandchildren.

For many years I was quietly seething that my dad was not around. I didn’t care if he had good reason. I didn’t care that he wanted to be here but it wasn’t possible. I didn’t care that he missed me, wrote me, called me weekly and made sure to be involved in any way possible. I hated him. He has always felt this closeness to me as though he knows everything about me. I can never do wrong in my father’s eyes and he truly is my biggest fan. I found his love and affection suffocating at times. I remember thinking, “How could he love me when he doesn’t even know me.”

The day after I had Emma and Sofia I cried fiercely. It wasn’t because I was in pain or even because I was elated. I was weeping for my father. You see, it finally hit me, I understood now. The love of a father. The love of a parent. The bitter pain he has felt for the past ten years shot through my veins. My heart ached for him and for the choices he had to make. The idea of having to ever leave my girls so that they can live a ‘better’ life is unfathomable. It’s a choice no parent should ever have to face. Holding my girls and looking deep into their eyes, I wondered what it was like for my father when he experienced the exact same moment with me when I was born.

my dad and sister

My father and I are closer now. He still calls me every week. He is a strong, optimistic and kind man. He is a good father and I forgive him because I finally understand.

Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dad’s in this world who want nothing but the best for the children even if it means scarficing their heart.

we’re celebrities!!

elle — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:00:22 +0000

Everywhere we go people oooh and awww at Sofia and Emma. The double stroller and their cute little faces demand so much attention. We generally hear the same comments, “Double the trouble.” “I bet your not getting any sleep. Mwua ha ha ha.” “You must have your hands full.” And on several occasions we have even gotten “Oh too bad you got two girls. It would be better if you got a girl and a boy instead.” I know, what a shame, jerk. A word to the wise: if you’re parents to twins you have heard these comments a thousand times. It’s not cute, or funny and it’s definitely not original. I do however, enjoy seeing the true joy Sofia and Emma bring to so many strangers. People genuinely get excited and smile from ear to ear when they see them.

Yesterday, on our daily afternoon walk a lovely women looked at Sean and I and said, “You’re so lucky, you got two.” Then today, this woman stopped her car in the middle of the street and just stared at us with a big smile waving. We waved back and Sean asked if I knew her. I had no idea who she was but I could see the girls brought her joy even if it was only for a brief moment.

The most amazing thing is when little boys around 6 or 7 years of age stop to look at the girls. They eagerly approach us and are always so playful and kind. Emma and Sofia smile. If they get this same attention in about 10-15 years I’m in serious trouble.

Does this change as they get older? Perhaps with the recent boom in twin pregnancy this fascination will decrease. What has your experience been?

teething

elle — Thu, 21 May 2009 11:30:43 +0000

Both Emma boo and Sofi loo got their first two bottom teeth at 6 months. Apparently, the timing is not genetic as I got mine at 4 months. My doctor has told me a theory that the later the teeth come in, the healthier the teeth will be. This is true in my case as I’ve had root canals on ALL my molars. Yes, I’m sure. Not to mention the implant I had at 22. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that they inherit their dads strong healthy teeth.

Before their first two teeth, I remember wondering why they were so cranky. Finally, when the first tooth broke through I realized the poor little monkeys must have been in pain. At 8 months they got two more bottom teeth and tonight we discovered one top middle tooth and one tooth to the far left for each. The vampire fangs will be so cute!!

Although both girls have been miss cranky pants they’re still sleeping through the night. I’m thankful and hope that by sharing this with you I will not change my luck. I have been told molars are a nightmare. Any suggestions on how to get through this phase?

pregnancy

elle — Tue, 12 May 2009 12:00:55 +0000

No one told me the impact a twin pregnancy would have on my body. It was hard and I can’t even remember most of last year because I spent most of my days asleep. However, when Sofia and Emma were about 4 months old, and we’d had plenty of time to bond, I thought to myself, if I only knew that they were in my belly I would have enjoyed the pregnancy so much more. I wouldn’t have minded as much…

-Throwing up 6-8 times daily for 4 months and 10 days straight

-Daily 20 minute nose bleeds consisting of massive blood clots

-Not being able to work and having to take a major pay cut at 8 weeks

-Gaining 65 pounds

-Getting horrible wide red stretch marks all over my belly regardless of slathering my body with extremely expensive preventative creams (FYI-they don’t work-it’s all genetic)

-Having trouble breathing and moving starting at around 24 weeks

-Getting terrible swelling in my feet and hands

-Being in labor for 24 hours and having to have an episiotomy

If I had only known that it was Emma and Sofia in there, not just ‘being pregnant’ I could have embraced being pregnant.

**photograph by Bard Azima at Livingface

8 months

elle — Fri, 08 May 2009 02:14:26 +0000

A collage of Sofia at 8 months

And here is my Emma mema at 8 months

guilt

elle — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:30:06 +0000

I had heard that when you become a mama you always feel guilty (Am I not doing enough for my babies? Not feeding them well, not changing them enough, not avoiding the BPA’s or pesticides of the world enough, etc. etc. etc). But, what if you have two babies? What happens to that guilt when you have twins? Does it double? It has for me.

At around 1pm today, I was putting Emma and Sofia down for their afternoon nap. The bedroom that they share is on the second floor and the playroom is downstairs. They are too heavy to take up the stairs together so I have no choice but to take one baby at a time. Today, I took Emma first. She was incredibly cuddly and wanted to snuggle and burrow her face in my neck. I love it when she is like this and I desperately didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to stay with her. But Sofia was downstairs alone and unhappy, so I rested my head between Emma’s shoulder and neck, took a deep breathe of her heavenly scent, kissed her check and gently placed her down.

It seems that each hour or even minute I have to decide what is best for both my children and try to choose the option that in the end serves both girls equally. I struggle with ensuring that I don’t favour one baby over the other. Some days that’s not easy to do.

Does it ever get easier?

whiny hour

elle — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:01:44 +0000

It’s not always easy being a mom of twins. Frankly, it can be frustrating, overwhelming and rather chaotic. But, mostly it all makes me laugh.

Take tonight for example, my husband, has parent/teacher interviews and won’t get home till 9pm. Generally, you need two people for our bedtime routine. However, tonight I had to be realistic and a little flexible. I took them for a good hour walk at around 5pm because most parents know that 6pm tends to be the whiny hour. I needed to be sure they would take a 15 minute nap in their stroller so that they would not drive me completely nuts before bedtime. The plan was a success and I managed to keep them occupied with several games and books until 7pm.

At around 7pm we went upstairs to my bedroom as usual and I created a space where I feed both bottles at the same time. As I sat there, I realized my nose was running (currently have a cold, which I have managed to pass onto Emma and Sofia), my hair was an absolute mess, my back and feet ached, my stomach was grumbling, and both hands were tied. I didn’t dare stop feeding them as I could not choose which baby to stop feeding. So I started to laugh out loud with tears in my eyes and noticed that both girls stopped drinking and began to smile with me. Amazingly, their smiles lifted my spirits and change my mood instantly. Their smiles became my tissue, my brush, the massage I desperately need, and the most delicious food.

Meanwhile, this post came to mind because it’s nice to be reminded to take things lightly and enjoy every minute with our children even if they drive us mad at times.

breastfeeding

elle — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:30:32 +0000

Before I even knew I was pregnant I knew that more than anything when I had babies I wanted to breastfeed. Most moms I spoke to said it was hard at first but ultimately it was the best thing they ever did and well worth the pain and discomfort. My prenatal classes all discussed the benefits of breastfeeding and, to summarize, you’re basically a bad mother if you decide not to breastfeed. I was told statistically that only 2% of women cannot breastfeed and that is due to breast implants and other breast augmentations. I was convinced that in order to have healthy and happy babies I had to breastfeed. However, very soon after the birth of my girls I realized that not much of this was true.

On my 2nd day at the hospital when I had no colostrum to speak of I started to panic and wonder what I was doing wrong. We met with the lactation consultant and with a worried tone she suggested I use a nipple shield to help Emma and Sofia latch on. That unfortunately was not where it ended. We had to start supplementing with formula using a tube and a syringe as a dispenser. The whole idea was not to give the babies a bottle and to ensure that they had to work at the nipple to get the formula supplement as well as my own milk. Sean and I were very dedicated and when we got home we stuck with the plan and spent most of the day trying to feed the girls. They had to eat ever two hours but feeding both of them was taking up to an 1 and a half hours and they seemed to always be hungry. After 7 days of being home, Emma still had not had a poo and we started to get concerned. A nurse came to the house for a visit and said, “she has not pooed because she isn’t getting enough food.” After that visit, I was devastated. It was like a slap in the face. Here I was sitting on a bloody chair with my top off all day long trying my breast to feed my girls but apparently it still was not enough. Nevertheless we continued and I started to pump after each feeding in hopes of increasing my milk supply. It took two hours to pump 2 ounces of milk. So I would carefully split the milk in half and give each one an ounce of my own milk as often as I could. 10 days came around and Emma still had not pooed. We went to a walk in clinic and the pediatrician said the same thing as the nurse: Your baby needs more food and to make matters worse she had lots so much weight that she now weighed less than when she was born. I had noticed she was sleeping far more and was very lethargic and all I felt was guilt.

I came home from the doctors and I think I cried for the next few days. I felt like a failure, worst of all it was like my body was failing my girls. I kept thinking how could the universe give me such beautiful girls but has not given me the ability to feed them? What was wrong with me? Why could all my friends breastfeed? Here I was with two babies and no milk. I spoke to my grandmother that night who also had twin identical girls 43 years ago. She told me that she had so much milk that once she fed my aunts she would pump and send milk to a neighbours house who also had trouble feeding her newborn. Then she would have to continue pumping and would throw away the rest of her milk to ensure her breasts did not get engorged. All I could think was why does one women have so much milk and then another has almost none. I felt so angry. It just was not fair. My breast never hurt and never felt full. I felt nothing. I soon began talking about it to friends and family and when the truth was told several aunts and other family members had the same problem. They simply did not have enough milk. I started to realise that it wasn’t just me and I am not a terrible mother; it’s just the way it was and it was something I would have to learn to live with and make the best of it.

Eventually, after 3 weeks once my nipples were bleeding and peeling from all the pumping and when I could no longer hold Emma and Sofia close I started giving them formula with a bottle and to my delight they started to gain weight and really began to thrive.

After two months it still hurts me to write about the decision we were forced to make. I feel robbed of the experience to bond with my babies as so many of my friends do while they breastfeed. I also resent some comments that have been made to suggest that some part of me deep down inside did not want to breastfeed and that is why I had no milk. More than anything I want my girls to be healthy and happy and when I saw that formula was helping them grow and be more alert each day I decided I needed to let go of what I wanted and to make the best decision for them which for us was to give them formula.

barack obama

elle — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:38:49 +0000

January 20, 2009 was an incredible day. Already I believe 2009 will be a very good year. President Obama thank you for giving hope back to us and for making me feel safe again. I can finally take a deep breath and breathe again. I did not realize how much fear I had been living with for the past eight years until you arrived. The fear of World War 3. Fear for my father, a good man, who loves his country and who wants to serve his country but the country happens to be Iran. Fear to cross the U.S. boarder to visit my mother and sister. You see, I was born in Iran and left the country when I was five. I have not been back since and my legal surname is Collins yet for the past 7 years I get asked the same questions. When were you in Iran last? Have you been back? Are you planning on visiting? My answer is always no and that is the truth but as my husband Sean says “wouldn’t YOU want to go back to your country of birth? Wouldn’t you want to go and visit your father? Don’t you have a right to go anywhere on this planet that you want to visit? Shouldn’t that be a fundamental human right?” But you see I get it because ultimately I am an immigrant who comes from a place that is politcally not in favour at the moment. But, President Obama, you understand what it means to be segragated. You listen, and will compromise, negotaiate and be more understanding and that gives me hope. The universe has given us a gift. You. I believe with time you will help make this planet a better place where no matter where you come from or where you live you can feel that you belong and have a vested interest in its future. Thank you for bringing back hope and for letting us breathe in peace. Here is hoping we unite, shake off the fear and pursue a world filled with respect, understanding and kindness.